By Kevin "Mac" McClure
Have you ever been to the funeral of a difficult and perhaps even toxic person who hurt you deeply over a long period of time? A father or mother? A sibling? A pastor?
I find it interesting and sad, actually, that the survivors of such people feel compelled to eulogize them without identifying any of the deceased's faults. Large scale denial takes over. Does this help us to heal? No, it injures us further.
This culture of denial is alive and well in the church. If you lose a sibling who has bullied you throughout your life, even in your adult years, how will you process that, especially if you never learned to stand up to him (or her)? If this behavior characterized this person's life, will any acknowledgment of this take place at the funeral? Not likely.
I don't suggest that we trash difficult people, but I believe it's not only fair, but necessary, to say something like, "We loved that Ralph was a skilled carpenter, but we grieve that he was often a challenge to get along with." If you don't give thoughtful consideration to how "Ralph's" behavior affected you, especially if it never changed and you never had healing in your relationship, pretending that his death will result in a cessation of your pain is delusional.
The first step in healing is being aware that you need it. Take a good hard look at what you lost, relationally speaking. What good things did God intend you to have in the relationship with your "Ralph" that you didn't get? What pain was caused? How might God want to enter into your pain? The Psalmist said, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (34:18). The God who is near to the brokenhearted and crushed in spirit is waiting to be invited into your suffering so that He may bring healing.
When you've lived with difficult people and they die, don't continue to live with them. You can't move on if you pretend it's over. Jesus is waiting to comfort you in your suffering and heal you in your pain.